A Re-Married Widows Fight Towards Joy

Today eleven years ago, I wheeled my husbands heart which sat inside of a cooler –  to the jet that was waiting to take it to a very lucky young man in NYC.

A man, I am now ready and hopeful to meet. I couldn’t help but feel I was on the losing end of someone else’s prayers, however it gave me some peace knowing my healthy and amazing husband gave better life to 6 others.

Today, more than any other lossversary, I celebrate the love, the life and all of what has brought me to the woman I am.

Today, I see the happiness on the outside of sadness. The joy surrounding the sorrow and the great design of this life. I honor it all. I can’t wish away what was to be, so I breathed a new wish into my life – the wish and the want to live fully despite the treacherous seasons that became me.

It’s like my favorite quote “she wasn’t born herself, she found herself. Over a long and treacherous road and the more treacherous the road became the more of herself she found.” – Atticus.

Surrounded in love is exactly how I will continue my days here, carrying alongside me my husband in heaven and loving next to me my second husband and our daughters and family on earth. Remembering and knowing and feeling the sweetness of love and how it never leaves us and stays and grows within the heart of who we are and who we continue to become.

So on this eleventh anniversary, I am very thankful, extremely humbled and also very much of the mind that I know it could all change tomorrow and so for this day and each day, I will do my best to appreciate that! RIP John, I know you are delighted in what you see and have had a hand in. ❤️❤️A Widows WorldAddelise Inc.

Sharing my heart, and what I have learned through being widowed young, but also through many life experiences that have somehow found their way to me – this is my calling in life.

The Friday before is always the calm before the storm. The day it happened, the circumstance that would lead to the new outcome that would send me into a realm that was not ever a thought in my mind. As I sat up in my kitchen on Friday, September 1, 2017, these words I felt called to share came spilling so effortlessly to me as did the tears.

Today, eleven years ago I drove 90 mph towards my fate. A bee 🐝 how bad could this really end?.

I believed and knelt beside his hospital bed. I prayed and asked and prayed and asked and showed my faith uncaring for the audience who pitied and hoped for me. Our last night together mixed with hope and thoughts of the future. So many nights I try to recreate and remember this last night completely and I just can’t.

That last night brought clarity. Unanswered questions like would we have children? That night he said he wanted kids. He didn’t want to..originally…his heart unwanting to bring life into a world that would let them down. That night before he died we visited close friends at a hospital in Rockford Illinois and we celebrated the life of Oliviana. A healthy beautiful baby that just a few days later I would hold at the front of the condolences line that bordered my husbands casket.

I remember very clearly my dear friend coming in and going to the front of the long line with her babe to be with me. Her sweet girl farting so firmly in my hands to remind me that life kept going in the smallest of ways. Its funny the things you so very clearly remember even going through the motions of those days. Like the way he smelled in the hospital, hooked up to the ventilator looking as if nothing was wrong, although everything was.

Her moms look in my eyes burning into mine an unbelieving look, that I could believe. An understanding we both didn’t quite know, but it was now my truth. This day, this hour, this time was somehow as shitty as it was marked for me. AND WHY? I don’t know!

Eleven years and I feel the pain of those exact moments as I’m writing this. This is my day!

It comes every year. The start of my four days of hope, that failed me at that time, but I’m owning it, because it’s mine. It’s the day that changed my whole life. It’s the day that took me through a terrible hell, it’s the day I said I don’t want to live without him.

It’s the day that defined me in a way I never knew. I’ve been fighting and living against this day ever since.

I have found so much joy in this life through it all. A joy I could have never even imagined..a life that I truly couldn’t have even dreamed…within the walls of my home, I have love..outside of these walls I am loved.

I will keep fighting. I don’t know why, but I was born to keep fighting!

SO for some who don’t understand as you or I do – I have written these truths.

Don’t feel bad for me, because I know what it feels like to die but come back to life again!

Don’t feel bad for me, because I see life much clearer than the cleanest glass!

Don’t feel bad for me, because I’ve lived through the lowest lows!

Don’t envy me, because I live in a way that some will not!

Don’t envy me, because you watch me show this life what it’s all about!

Don’t misunderstand me, because you just can’t understand!

Don’t wish you were in my shoes, because I want you to not stand where I have stood!

Don’t compare, because your journey and mine just doesn’t lend itself to comparison!

Don’t believe it’s over, because temporary is just a new beginning!

Don’t deny what was, because it was real, is real and will always be!

Don’t think for a minute, or even hear when others say you should get over it…that’s bullshit!

Don’t forget, there is joy waiting on the other side of unhappiness!

Don’t discount this life, because when YOU are ready to try something new, it may show you something you never thought you would find!

Don’t give up, someday you won’t regret a thing and you will instead see the joy in all of the journey!

Always remember the entrance, the sweetness, the life, the tender moments and listen in the quite to hear how they still speak to you. 

This the first night of my four nights of denial which no matter where I stand in line will always be hard, but I treasure them and him and our life. I honor it all and HIM because it is real, it is unending and he can never be taken from me! ❤️

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Widow Defined – I Will Hold My Head Up High


A widow defined, is a woman who has been through hell losing a spouse, but holds her head high with a quiet strength that can be felt by all who are in her presense.

I remember the stares and how I could feel the touch of them on my skin. I showed nothing in return and if I did maybe just merely it was a nod or a glance of acknowledgment to close the gap. Then I would discretely move back into my hollow shell, my place of protection. Blank space spanned in between me and everything and everyone around me. I stood still, so still and the world kept moving, spinning, going on. I remember thinking how can this be, is this a dream world? Would the darkness ever end? I would curl up into myself in the night, willing my swollen eyes and the loneliness of my mind to give in to rest. I would wake each day, to the sun peaking through the pale yellow curtains and then be greeted with the shocking stab to the heart as my reminder of what was real set in. Then, I would get to it, start my day surrounded by his things, but not him, only to get through the mundane chit chat that would surely ensue as others tried to cheer and bring up anything, anything but my current hell.

Slowly, very slowly, motion started to return to me. I could feel my hands though frail, I could see my face, though pale, I could see light, though it shown too bright. What was this light shining down on me? Why was it warming my skin, bringing color back into my cheeks?

The light had never left me, and so I believe all things are connected and contrived for us. Today, as I was reading I came upon this verse, “Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my Light.” ~ Micah 7:8

How amazing is this message? So much of what is put on my heart encompasses two opposite sources, darkness and light. If we never went through darkness, how could we fully appreciate the light? I remember as a young girl in Sunday school, one of my favorite songs was, “This little light of mine, Im going to let it shine. This little light of mine, Im going to let it shine. Everywhere I go, Im going to let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.” Just singing it as I type, brings me warmth. Yes, warmth even knowing what I know and going through what I have gone through and continue to go through. I feel the warmth and light of this life, and you can to. Believe it and come on this journey with me back to the light.

And so today, as I was thinking, I wanted share these feelings to open a glimpse of the world of a widow or someone who has lost profound love in their life. So, go with me ten years back in time, if you will. The word Widow had never even fell upon my lips, or if it had, I didn’t understand the coldness, the solitude and cruelty of it. I think about all of the woman I have met that are a part of this misunderstood tribe. I see so many that carry the look of strength, but when I see them I see them for who they are and not what they have been marked with. I see a quiet grace, an unspoken sadness, a dignity and appreciation for what is true and real. I see the compassion and understanding, that we know the loss that we have experienced changes us and will continue to change us as we grow into our own right, into our light. We know we are beautifully broken and we don’t see ourselves as needing to be fixed, or needing to just get over it. It will never leave us and this is something, we are just fine with.

We will go through a re-birth if you will. We will not have to relearn everything, but we will have to take steps in our own time to relearn the life we will build for ourselves, a new life. When we get to a place of healing and readiness for what’s next, all I have to say is watch out world!! Widowed woman are strong woman, bold woman, brave woman and will see through bullshit a mile a way. We won’t bind ourselves long to people and things if they do not serve us or better us, we will have learned the importance of time and filling it with people that lift us up and support us in our journey, rather than those that cut us down or are the nah sayers. Yes, we don’t have time for the nah sayers.

We will go through all different stages and waves and all at once or one at a time. We will love deeply and expect more out of others and at times that will hurt us, because we can’t expect people to see the world as we do. We will feel things deeply, more deeply than a person could possibly think they could feel and we will not care what others perceptions are of us, because we get who we are, or we understand we are getting to where we hope to get to.

So, because music has been such a part of my journey, this song completely enveloped me when I heard it. It took me to thinking this, this right here explains some of how I felt, still feel when I look back at the quiet strength I showed.

Wherever you are in your walk of widowhood, or grief journey in losing a loved one, please believe in your heart that the light will come back to you, if you open yourself to receiving it. Please be encouraged by this and at least impress upon your heart that you will be open to what is next for you.

The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

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Introduction To A Widows World

A Widow’s World Introduction and Thank You!

I wanted to provide an introduction to myself and why I decided to start A Widows World. I want to thank everyone for following, sharing and subscribing to my page. The outpouring of encouragement and messages of how this has touched others, has really touched me. I have heard many conversations of how my blog is helping support others through loss, divorce and tough circumstances. Please keep sharing and subscribe to my blog, just enter your email on my homepage. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Pinterest, Instagram and LinkedIn. Have a blessed day!

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