Patton Oswalt Has Every Right To Be Happy, Trolls | Scary Mommy Article

I love this article written about the recent engagement of Patton Oswald and Meredith Salenger, and shared by Scary Mommy. What I love even more is that Erica Roman a fellow widow, I and many in our widow communities have connected with on this journey shares. She writes from her heart, a widows heart and perfectly addresses those who have and are publicly judging and criticizing – Patton Oswalt for moving forward through his journey as a widower – finding new happiness and love. Judgments that myself, you and others have likely faced ourselves.

His new love does not replace his first wife, he has found an appreciation in life for sharing it with another – expanding his heart and want for more for him and his daughter. He is showing others that it is possible to love again and live fully after loss. He will continue to grieve his first wife while also loving his second wife. How do I know this? I know, because I am a remarried widow.

As a remarried widow, I have such appreciation for this coverage and correction of societies ridiculous misconceptions. I will be sharing more this week in a blog post written for Hope For Widows Foundation about my love story. The blessing of opening my heart to a man I didn’t want, and how he has become a man I hope I don’t have to live without. I know well though, that some day he may leave this earth before me, or I before him – just as my first husband did. I am thankful that I get to share what moments we have, together with our two daughters.

Be happy, be free and don’t ever let others shape what is meant for you.

Patton Oswalt Has Every Right To Be Happy, Trolls

Continue Reading

When Someone You Love Dies, There is No Such Thing As Moving On | Kelley Lynn | Ted Talk

When someone you love dies, there is no such thing as moving on. Kelley Lynn does an amazing job sharing the truths and the ridiculous viewpoints that come from people’s mouths who have never been widowed.

This almost exact message, I have shared with the A Widows World and Hope for Widows Foundation communities. Widows and Widowers when faced with this number one stressful and life altering loss, do not need the additional secondary losses and judgments that come after. If you are widowed and have not experienced the secondary losses, you are one of the few.

Thank you Kelley Lynn, for sharing that grief is not something any of us will ever move on from. It is outrageous how others project onto the grieving – what they themselves do not know, do not understand, can not comprehend for their reality. How lucky are they to have an opinion without an understanding? The forums I follow as a widow advocate – offer much in the way of support – but it also elicits anger from many of us going through widowhood and learning of what our fellow widow and widower friends are facing themselves. Each of us are in our own stage of grief, timeframe, progression, however the connection is so understood and like none other out there. Widow communities are growing, popping up and being created each day, and the voice of the widowed heart is being heard not only by those who have a public platform, like Sheryl Sandburg  sharing openly of her loss, but also by many within our communities that are getting their message out there. It is amazing and will offer much in the way of growing support, that has previously not been as visible or available!

Some of the things stated to me right away after my husband died, felt egregious, my defenses were down and I kept getting hammered. The hate that people placed on me gave me a backbone very quickly and made me decide they could continue on with their narrow minded focus – but I would show them that grief has no end, but happiness can be present and found again. That is exactly what I have done, am doing and will continue to do and share. When one person questions why, you say, why not? Did you know “Widow Blinders” are a thing? When widowed, the blinders are removed, popped up and life is seen through the waves of sadness, but also the realization of how really small our time is here on earth. Instead of wasting it, live. Take chances, speak your truth and manifest the life of your design. By doing so, you are honoring yourself and your spouse – creating a legacy that others get to watch. Sitting on the sidelines of life waiting – never did a thing for anyone.

I think we have all seen what Patton Oswalt just went through with the firing squad of people who simply are ignorant. I hope they never have to get it, that they never go through such tragedy. I hope they learn from the masses of widowed however, close to 14 million in the United States alone. I hope we teach them how to live. Many widowed often ask, when is it ok to date, when should I start putting my heart out there again? Many long for touch, connection, conversation. I have always said, when you feel ready to try. You may find out you are not ready at all, you may know that, but if you just need to get out and explore connection – you go ahead and do that, do you!

Be a friend to a widow, continue to be a friend. Invite them and include them, speak the name of their spouse who has passed. Widowhood is not contagious. It is not a plague. I am sorry for those who don’t know what to do, but don’t shut widows out because you are not equipped. Get equipped – try to understand or learn from them or others like us. Don’t ever say, “Get over it, or get on with your life”. Be a positive and uplifting force in their life, just show up, pop in and include them.

I challenge all of you widowed to start sharing your hearts, start sharing these types of videos, articles and platforms, start speaking your truths and educating the ignorant. Ignorance really is bliss. We can be the change to help others who have come before and who will come after us.

 

Continue Reading

Happily Ever After Is A Choice – Choose Happy Today

img_9439

Happily ever after is a choice! Happily ever after was created in fairytale world. Many believe in it, but happily ever after just depends on your definition of it. If your happily ever after was taken, you never possessed it in the first place.

I will warn you, you may decide to agree to disagree with me on this one depending on where you are at in your loss journey. I read a lot. Articles, books, blogs, posts, magazines, you get the picture, I read. Good for me. Does reading make me an expert? No. Does being book smart, really allow you to identify with me? No.

Experience, world experience and going through a similar struggle, struggles, that is what allows us to identify with one another.

There is a movement taking place, right now. It is one of empowerment, one that more and more are starting to grasp and hold onto. I see so many hearts taking back their shape. A new mold being created. It gets me excited and gives me so much joy for you and I. It is a movement of hope, a movement of responsibility. We have a responsibility to ourselves to hope and to feed our spirits with the right things, the right people, the right content. Our surroundings and attitudes really take on those of others, so be aware of those around you. Are they feeding your spirit, or keeping you in a place of hopelessness?

I came across a post that read, “Not everyone gets their happily ever after”. It had me really stop and think about this statement. I began questioning, have I identified with this? Do I identify with it? I think I have and I haven’t, during different seasons of my life. I simply do not believe this at this stage of my life.

It is through growing, healing, and loving myself again, that I see so much clearer.

Growing up, I clinged onto the fairytale, I waited and I found my man and believed we were going to have a beautiful long life together. Then in 2004 when he died tragically, I agreed with the statement, “Not everyone gets their happily ever after”, because I felt my happily ever after was robbed from me. During that time it hurt to see others lives moving forward, seeing them get engaged, married, pregnant, welcoming their new bundles, growing their families, seeing life move forward for them. I was so fixated on what I had lost, that I couldn’t think of anything but that. Until, I started to really work on myself and chose to see the joy in my days, the joy in what I had already had, that would never leave me, never be taken from me. If I believed my happily ever after was taken from me, that I would never have that again, then I never truly possessed it in the first place.

A love that is real, true and life altering, can not be taken from us. Although not here in the physical, we still possess that same love and we will until the day we die and are reunited again.

Happily ever after lies within ourselves and should not depend on another for us to achieve that definition. Loving, caring for, listening to ourselves and following our hearts through the struggles that life brings, will lead us to us, our true hearts.

If happily ever after lies in someone else, then we certainly will stay in the space of not being happy. It starts within us and stays within us. It is a decision, not a fate, not a destination! Happily ever after is a choice and it is up to me and to you.

Think about it and please forgive me for relating this to a tree, but grief has so many rings, so many stages. The rings of a tree are called annual growth rings and so I truly feel it a great analogy. You see, life can be pretty tough on a tree! Yes, you can relate. It can be brutally tough on us as well and has been. Trees go through drought, excessive rain, fire, insect plagues and disease epidemics, injuries, thinning, pollution. All of these acclimates leave their mark on a tree’s annual growth ring. Does this sound familiar? YES! Our annual growth is altered and affected by our surroundings, by the things that happen to us or the things that don’t happen to us. The way we grow, is altered by our struggles, our hurts, our feelings, our environments.

Your growth ring may not be growing right now, you may feel in the darkest places and spaces where time has stopped and memories flood through and surround you. It may be hard to breathe, feel so lonely, so misunderstood, so lost. You may have said out loud, lord please take me and spare me this pain. I know. Your life has paused and everything around keeps moving, and that movement feels like light years ahead of where you are. I know.

So here is what I ask of you. Silence your mind, breathe in and out slowly. Relax your senses and when you feel calm and centered, ask yourself this?

“What is my happily ever after wish for myself?”

“Who do I want to be?”

Tough questions, right? Maybe you don’t know, you feel blank. Thats ok, keep silencing your mind and keep asking yourself these questions.

Happy is a choice, healing is a choice, living fully is a choice. Choose yourself today because unlike a tree, we have the power to stand up and move our roots, change our surroundings and take back our power.

This life is what we make of it, so be a maker.

I am sending love, light, worthiness and prayers your way. My disclaimer in all of this, is that grief is on-going and unending. It sneaks up on us in even the most unapparent moments. You won’t conquer it, you won’t get past it. You will get through it however, in your own time, your own way. It is unique to you, so give yourself the grace to understand that and take it easy on you.

Tanya Smith

Continue Reading