I won’t wish my life away, or a different way – because then they wouldn’t exist!
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Today, I woke up and I quickly heated the oven setting it to 350 degrees for 25 minutes. The braided folds of the neatly looking pastry, I admired, knowing my daughters smile would light up at the site. The eve of her birthday, I shared with her the events that took place seven years prior, before we even came to hold her, love her, know her. Fast forward to two years almost to the day, so two years and one day later…we welcomed another strong girl into our lives – 9 lbs and 3 oz. to be exact, larger than life some would say and she keeps on this way. I had her naturally. I somehow knew the pain I endured in this life, had made me strong enough to now not be afraid of what woman well before me knew. Feeling through it, though excruciating and at the end…too much to bare, that pain subsided and love and joy shined through. I remember it, but love and joy shine through. So now, I sit here in my office while my daughters sleep, 29 minutes until my second turns five years old. How lucky am I!
They are tucked safely into bed, nothing however safe about this world or potentially the life ahead. I will not take away from them, the vibrance, the hope, the heart or the laughter that I love and long to see and hear come from their expressions or their mouths. I so long for that to come back for myself. There are moments it does. My heart is so much heavier, deeper, more understanding of the hurts and what may find them in their life.
I will not wish my life away, because then, they wouldn’t exist.
Sometimes, it makes me feel like a monster. That word so horrid, and my definition so much stronger for myself. I can’t sugar coat, I can’t tell them life will be a fairytale, I can’t stand beside them and see them crushed because someone didn’t like their shirt or outfit today at school. That kind of nonsense, it just has no place here. So, my words say to them, find who you are, hold true to that, if you like something, feel something, believe something, no one else needs to side with that – you keep liking it and owning your own life. So much influence. INFLUENCE!
Sometimes, I wonder how I made it the way I did, through all of the hardships and the many downs. BUT, then I realize the INFLUENCE. My INFLUENCE, was my mother. Soft and sweet, but tough as nails. She NEVER has budged in who she is. Though I have seen her become penetrable, she still was and is solid in who she is and what she believes – she is the influence just as I will be.
I am not mean, when I tell my girls how lucky they are, but are they? I don’t know their fate and they don’t quite understand mine. What I do know is that through the very unfortunate the INFLUENCE has lead me to life. My husband passing, I hold on to his INFLUENCE. I see strongly his INFLUENCE. His laugh, that captured many taught us to laugh louder and stronger, through his influence. His heart and his hope live on in others through his organs, his INFLUENCE.
Last night, I laid in bed with my husband, who I believe was brought to me through INFLUENCE. An introduction from a friend of my first husbands. That introduction would not have come if it had not been through influence. My now husband laid beside me wanting to listen to the recent episode that aired for a podcast, Feeling Fabulous. He would not have sat through that or wanted to, if it had not been for my INFLUENCE. His tears shed and the understanding coming from the loss that he himself experienced profoundly from his uncles passing and his uncles INFLUENCE. That loss allowing him to understand me in a way he may never have.
Everything in my mind comes down to you guessed it, INFLUENCE. So surround yourself with people who are your positive influence and be that influence that others need.
I hope you will listen to this episode and share it out. It touches me and not because its me, it touches me to see the Influence that so many have been in my life to help me to be the person that I am.