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You Mean So Much


Tonight my mom called and she was headed to the hospital, again! This reoccurrence, although I am thankful has not been as frequent in the last year, brings instant worry and concern. Worry, that she does not want to cause. In fact, she has hidden some of these trips, these doctors appointments in the past, because she does not want her family to worry. It of course has made me mad, ticked off at times, that she does that. If she walks with me, why can’t I walk with her?

Then, I take a moment and think, have I always let her walk with me, and I have to laugh because I admit to myself, No.  I didn’t let her walk with me, because I was being strong. I was putting on a shield of armor that nothing could penetrate. I was tough as stone, until I wasn’t able to carry that burden alone any longer. We are prideful, we are fine! Yes, fine! How many times in our lives, do we say with a tone that clearly does not communicate we are fine, “I am fine?” Many, so many we would probably lose count if we were keeping track.

She is AMAZING! My mom, is AMAZING! In fact she’s so AMAZING, she doesn’t even realize it. From the very earliest years of my life, my mom as all of us moms do for our children, shaped me. She molded me, and she was the early director and designer of who I was to become. She taught me to be humble and kind, she gave me her gift of grace, but also spunk. Her ability to stand up to others when it’s necessary, and stand up right! Maybe not always so gracefully, but a point was clearly made. My will and my never giving up, comes from watching her. It is a learned trait. My parents divorced when I was 13, the very start of my teenage years. I had two younger sisters, and I very much looked up to my mom and so I stepped up and grew up quickly, because I wanted to be there for her. She worked two, sometimes three jobs, to keep our home and our horses. I remember saying, mom its ok, we don’t need the horses, but she was prideful and she was going to do what she could to keep some normalcy, what we were used to, in our lives. I remember hearing her cry at night and how it upset me, I would eaves drop. I was nosey as sin and needed to be the knower of all, because I am a fixer. I like to fix things. I like pretty packages with ribbons and bows and things the way they should be, or at least the way we daydream and hope for them to be. One of the most important things my mom instilled in me is my faith! Which let me tell you, at times, me and faith, we had a hide and seek go find me relationship. Thankfully, it always found me again, or I found it. I would like to think, I found it, but I don’t think it ever left me. I did feel it failed me many times, and that is just the honest truth. She has taught me forgiveness, but also that you can forgive others for yourself. Forgiving for yourself, so that you can move forward. You can release the negative. Even though you forgive, it doesn’t mean you have to forget, or go back to a place that was not good for you. It is ok, to move forward and beyond people and things in your life, if it does not serve you. She has taught me that through the failings and trials in my life, that I am still worthy. Worthy of love, living, life, forgiveness. Standing strong and listening to your heart, not impulsively, but taking the time to listen and explore your true heart and self, is always worth the time and the time it takes to get to where your feet should stand. Getting back up is half the battle, and then you have to take the first step. In the moments she’s forgotten that, I remind her of her own teachings, so I would say, she has taught me well. She doesn’t think she is strong, but I would never go against her and can tell you if I did, I would likely cower. I know my sisters are laughing in agreement as they read that. She is tough as an ox. She is the strongest person I know, but also the gentlest.

My mom has always rushed to my side. I remember her catching me when I fell and curled up like a baby in the hospital, in the waiting area, hearing the words I dreaded the most. I remember her crawling into my bed some nights, the bed I shared with my husband, in the middle of the night to hold me and console me through my tears. Through my fears of the long nights without my partner next to me and this new unknown. I remember when I moved back out on my own and started again, how scared I was at night to live alone. The countless nights I would call her and she would talk to me and pray for me, helping me to sleep. I remember her telling me how worried she was for me in the moments I said I didn’t care, the moments I vocalized I wanted to go with him. I remember asking and almost pleading with her to answer me, why, I couldn’t go with him, why was I still here. How hard that must have been for my mother. Its hard for me to look back on it. I now know the pain that would bring me to hear and I hope I never hear those words come from daughters. I hope they don’t know the pain of some of scars I wear. I think about how many times, she down on her knees praying for me. Countless times. So many, too many to even count and she still continues to be faithful.

The theme lately for me is more time. I truly see how fast it is moving and I just for a moment want to stand still, to stop the clock and just sit. Her and I no distractions, just us with no where to go and no cluttered thoughts in the back of our minds of our to do lists. Its funny how we run to get to where we are and then we look back and wish we had stayed a little longer where we were. That makes me laugh too. This year, is a year of carving those important moments out, finding them more and reveling in them.

My mom is in the hospital tonight and I pray for great outcomes and healing. I hope for answers, because most of the time we don’t get them. She was there last week to and released with no more information than when she went in. She always looks healthy, beautiful. She still carries her sweet smile through it, but she feels tired. She gets ill often and she feels not her self. I don’t question why really because of the laundry list of illnesses she lives with. She has lupus, she has fibromyalgia, she has had thyroid cancer having her thyroid removed, she has hip troubles and so many other things. I always say geez mom, take it easy on yourself, would you? She goes to more doctors appointments than anyone I know and it hurts my heart. Her biggest worry, is to not worry me and my sisters. So silly, yet so sweet. She sees a naturalist on top of some good doctors and over the past year she has been better, but recently she’s not felt good. It was so nice for that time that she felt good, so I am hoping that will be restored.  Please keep her in your prayers.

See, my mom I could go on and on for days about, thats just how special she is to me and its something I hope she always knows. She’s my angel here on earth and I already have one in heaven. She is the one person who’s been by my side through every dark day and every celebrated day of my life. I want her healed and beside me holding my hand through what’s next.

Our family is very close and so its no surprise when we tell each other we love one another. Tonight she said, “I want you to know how much you mean to me, and how much I love the girls”, her granddaughters. Important words that make you so thankful to hear, even though you already know it. Thankful for this kind of love, but words that ring different at times when they are said. Tears started streaming down my face, as we hung up the phone, because I understand her fears. They are my fears to. We will remain optimists, though. Some may say, oh she will be ok, and hopefully she will. We take for granted moments and people in our life because time keeps moving and we keep being pulled into a myriad of directions and obligations. For me knowing, how life can change in a second, in a millisecond, makes me see things so very differently. My grandmother passed very young, so my mom worries, and with her health history, we all worry.

I said oh mom, I know, I love you too so very much. She says, “I prayed that god would not take me for a long time, so our family will not be broken up the way mine was when my mother died so young.” I couldn’t really even think, after that.  Then, I changed the subject saying mom, you are going to be old and I will promise to wipe your butt someday and take care of you, because she knows the real meaning of that statement. See, when I was younger, I told her I would never do that and so we both laughed hard. I told her I would put her in a retirement facility where they could take care of that part for her. She remembered and so, with a older and more grown outlook on life, I would gladly take care of my mom, until the end of time. We all have our day, but I will wish for that, because I just selfishly want her here with me, always. I would even pluck her granny chin hairs and paint her toenails and we can laugh and cry together over the joys and the trials we have gotten through by being each others support.

So that brings me to these lyrics that I just love, “My fears are safe here, held in your hands. When I am broken, you put me back together again.”

I’m glad for the love, friendship and closeness we have. I’m thankful for you mom and I appreciate you fully. Sleep tight. xoxoxoxo

Tell the ones you love, what they mean to you, over and over and over again.

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