A Final Letter To My Husband

 

imageBe quiet…Be quiet, I was screaming in my head.

We were driving, my parents were talking about what road to turn on, headed to the church. My dad says, “which way should we go?” My Mom says “I think we should turn here”, then dad says, “I think we should turn up there”. “Could you stop, I will tell you were to turn”, immediately feeling regret for my words, as they were just trying to get us there. They were fighting their own battle inside of themselves, their own pain. Not the pain of a spouse, but the pain of a parent. They were so close to John, he had become their son through our marriage, but also their son in every sense of the word. They loved him deeply and he in turn gave them the same love.

Silence!

I could feel how my words stung them. I felt even sadder for hurting them, in this time of intense pain. In my head, I was thinking didn’t they know….dont they know what I am going through right now, who cares about the stupid road we turn on. They did know, they were dreading this reality too. They were my biggest support through all of this and continue to be. So today, I feel sorry for only seeing and feeling my pain, because theirs was so great as well. On top of their loss, they were grieving for me and worried for my well being and the days, weeks, months, years and years to come without him here.

Driving that last mile felt like time was standing still. I was seeing things like a movie, a frame at a time. The car stopped and I was supposed to get out, I was stepping into some unknown.

One step, two step, three step, four, into the church.

What a massive church this is. I remembered walking out of this church a little over a year ago as Mrs. Tanya Meier, standing there with so much joy and happiness. Standing on those steps feeling the warmth of the love from my man standing beside me, feeling the rings on our intertwined hands and the possibilities of our new life and commitment.

What am I doing here now? What is beyond these stairs, beyond this door? Do I have to walk into this world that clearly can not be my reality? The answer was yes! My parents were leading me on. They were beside me in this.

I see so many people, they are all staring at me. The same people here over a year ago, but now instead of smiles I see so much sadness, I feel their pity, their sorrow, their disbelief, though I am trying hard to not look into their eyes. I don’t want them to see me! I want to disappear. I can’t take it. I ask my sister in law for help, for sunglasses, something to hide behind, shield me.  I don’t want to be seen. I put them on and my panic, for some reason starts to calm just slightly. I feel somewhat invisible behind them, though I knew I was not.

Pastor Metzger pulls me aside. I will myself to snap out of it. I don’t really hear what he is saying to me, I just nod. Oh, there I see Sherry Massey. Sherry was my pastor, Michael Massey’s wife growing up. She was much more than that though to me and my family. She watched me grow up and also blossom through my walk with the lord,  she was there in the celebrated and sorrowful moments of my life, always a support and encouragement.

I snap to instantly, I need to speak to her, I was waiting to find her. I told Pastor Metzger I would be right back. Sherry embraces me. I ask “Sherry, can you do something for me?”, her reply “Sure dear”. “Can you read this letter I wrote to and about John during the service? I need you to read it for me and was hoping you would”. I stayed up unable to sleep and wrote this to him in our bed. My tears are sinking in my throat. ‘Sure dear, I will read it”.  “Thank you so much, Sherry”. She will never know the true depth of what she did for me, what it meant to hear my word shared, how it brings me to tears to this day, because I knew I could not get up there myself.

Pastor Metzger went over the final details and it was time. We walk up about ten more stairs and I see the long rectangular box twenty feet from me.

This is real, I am not waking up from this. There he is, there is my beautiful husband, only he is not there anymore, only his body is. I stop at the casket and see him that way one last time. This is not him, he is not lifeless, he was full of life, he was filled with wonder and ideas, with want and ambition. This was not him! This was not us! I tucked a copy of the note I wrote for him into the breast of his coat, said how much I love him.

Walking behind that casket through the big glass doors of the packed congregation was the longest walk of my life. Wasn’t I just here, excited and ready to run down this aisle to my beautiful man, the man waiting for me, for us to say our vows? Seeing his eyes filled with tears and with happiness that day, was such an amazing feeling. Now I was barely able to lift my feet and tears and sobs of sorrow, confusion, devastation and brokenness were mine.

He was not waiting for me at this alter.

I don’t remember much of the service other than my letter. I see Sherry walking forward and prepare myself as my heart, my letter was about to be shared.

{A LETTER TO MY HUSBAND JOHN}

My sweetheart, my Partner, my Best Friend

How do I speak from my heart when it feels so very broken? Where do I find the words to describe the indescribable love we share? How do I find peace when I am just not ready to accept what feels to be unacceptable? How do I gain the strength to move forward when everything feels so backward?

You explained our love so perfectly the night you asked me to marry you, when you said “words can’t describe how I feel, it is just an immeasurable feeling that we share”.

Each day we loved as if it was our last and for that I will never regret. You have fulfilled my life here on earth though yours was cut short.

A look, a touch, a smile, a laugh, was all that was needed for everyone to see how deeply our feelings for each other ran. I am so very grateful for the seven years that we spent growing and learning in love. My heart cries out to you and knows that you are there. Even now, you are my strength, my shining light.

Although I do not understand Gods plan for you, I know they were big and it was time for you to go. Your kind and giving spirit have shown so many the deepest joy they have ever known. I could have never gotten enough of you even if we had had the chance to grow old.

I feel so empty, lost, alone and scared, but I know that you are looking down helping ease the pain.

John, you once told me you wanted to get me flowers and candy, but those only lasted a little while so you gave me yourself. What a wonderful gift to receive. I am so very thankful for the many moments that we just spent being with one another. No words were needed between us because we were one. I felt your heart and you felt mine, we will forever be entwined.

You have amazed me with your giving heart. I forever will be grateful for the time we have shared, you have touched my life in so many ways. We have traveled the path together. You are and will always be my perfect match.

If there is one thing that I would press upon everyone here, it is to love without boundaries and not be afraid. I never took John for granted because I wanted him to know the deepness of my love for him. We shared so many things that even in silence we knew each others thoughts. Do not take the ones you love for grated and make every moment count.

I stood by Johns side through all of this praying and asking God to have mercy on us and I pleaded with him for a miracle. Each night I read psalms to my husband and begged the Lord for his life. It is so very hard to accept what is the unacceptable and know that God’s plan is much bigger than our own. It would be easy to be angry with God, but God has allowed my husband to feel no pain or sorrow, no grief or despair.

John was and will always be the strongest man I have ever known. He loved me so deeply and was not afraid to share those feelings. Even in Johns death he is still giving to others through organ donation and will continue to bless and touch so many hearts as he has also done for all of us.

Hold tight to the memories you have shared with him. He will be guiding us all through this very difficult time.

John, I love you with all that I am and all that I have. I will be with you again in heaven and we will celebrate life everlasting with one another.

Love always and never be afraid.

Tanya Meier

Written Sept. 2006

My Message:

If you have something to share, if you want to write a letter or have your voice be heard at your spouses funeral don’t be afraid to share it and ask someone close to you to deliver it. I am thankful I met a widow who my parents knew, during those terrible days. She went to our church and she encouraged me. Be an encouragement and support to those around you that have lost great love or are going through a hard time. Being vulnerable is scary, sharing your heart is scary, but if it touches even one person or if it is simply a part of your healing, then it is completely worth it.

 

 

Continue Reading

Don’t Judge

image

I remember hearing others judgements get back to me, after I started getting out and living life again. I however, chose to IGNORE them. I had to. It still hurt me, but I felt if people were placing judgement on me, they obviously had some issues of their own to work through. I found it unfair. How could they even begin to understand the pain I was going through? Why would they even feel the need to judge me? People can just be cruel and insecure within themselves.

I’m thankful that even to this day, if people place judgement, I think brush it off because I am right with myself. I will someday face the ultimate judgement for my time here on earth and how I chose to serve God, myself and others. I sure have yet to find a perfect person in this world. I have met a small select few that have come close, but ultimately each one of us is imperfect. I am doing my best to be true to myself, and seeing that through my shortcomings I am worthy of forgiveness.  Ultimately, my life experiences, my loss and my failures have lead me to my growth and the person I have always wanted to be. People don’t have to get me, because I get myself! Just like, people don’t have to get you, because you get yourself. I’m not seeking anyone’s approval, but my own! I challenge you to also do the same.

I want to serve others and inspire woman and men who are going through hard times, to cut out the things in their lives that no longer serve them. I want to teach others to open up their mind to the life they want revealed and restored! The reward is always worth the risk and even if we fall or fail, we likely have learned something new and valuable about ourselves and maybe just maybe that failure lead to the best thing that was meant to be. So, today dream up what’s next for yourself, believe it and aspire to taking that first step. Remember judgement is toxic! Remove the toxic and the things that dont serve you and your purpose.

Continue Reading

You Mean So Much

image

Tonight my mom called and she was headed to the hospital, again! This reoccurrence, although I am thankful has not been as frequent in the last year, brings instant worry and concern. Worry, that she does not want to cause. In fact, she has hidden some of these trips, these doctors appointments in the past, because she does not want her family to worry. It of course has made me mad, ticked off at times, that she does that. If she walks with me, why can’t I walk with her?

Then, I take a moment and think, have I always let her walk with me, and I have to laugh because I admit to myself, No.  I didn’t let her walk with me, because I was being strong. I was putting on a shield of armor that nothing could penetrate. I was tough as stone, until I wasn’t able to carry that burden alone any longer. We are prideful, we are fine! Yes, fine! How many times in our lives, do we say with a tone that clearly does not communicate we are fine, “I am fine?” Many, so many we would probably lose count if we were keeping track.

She is AMAZING! My mom, is AMAZING! In fact she’s so AMAZING, she doesn’t even realize it. From the very earliest years of my life, my mom as all of us moms do for our children, shaped me. She molded me, and she was the early director and designer of who I was to become. She taught me to be humble and kind, she gave me her gift of grace, but also spunk. Her ability to stand up to others when it’s necessary, and stand up right! Maybe not always so gracefully, but a point was clearly made. My will and my never giving up, comes from watching her. It is a learned trait. My parents divorced when I was 13, the very start of my teenage years. I had two younger sisters, and I very much looked up to my mom and so I stepped up and grew up quickly, because I wanted to be there for her. She worked two, sometimes three jobs, to keep our home and our horses. I remember saying, mom its ok, we don’t need the horses, but she was prideful and she was going to do what she could to keep some normalcy, what we were used to, in our lives. I remember hearing her cry at night and how it upset me, I would eaves drop. I was nosey as sin and needed to be the knower of all, because I am a fixer. I like to fix things. I like pretty packages with ribbons and bows and things the way they should be, or at least the way we daydream and hope for them to be. One of the most important things my mom instilled in me is my faith! Which let me tell you, at times, me and faith, we had a hide and seek go find me relationship. Thankfully, it always found me again, or I found it. I would like to think, I found it, but I don’t think it ever left me. I did feel it failed me many times, and that is just the honest truth. She has taught me forgiveness, but also that you can forgive others for yourself. Forgiving for yourself, so that you can move forward. You can release the negative. Even though you forgive, it doesn’t mean you have to forget, or go back to a place that was not good for you. It is ok, to move forward and beyond people and things in your life, if it does not serve you. She has taught me that through the failings and trials in my life, that I am still worthy. Worthy of love, living, life, forgiveness. Standing strong and listening to your heart, not impulsively, but taking the time to listen and explore your true heart and self, is always worth the time and the time it takes to get to where your feet should stand. Getting back up is half the battle, and then you have to take the first step. In the moments she’s forgotten that, I remind her of her own teachings, so I would say, she has taught me well. She doesn’t think she is strong, but I would never go against her and can tell you if I did, I would likely cower. I know my sisters are laughing in agreement as they read that. She is tough as an ox. She is the strongest person I know, but also the gentlest.

My mom has always rushed to my side. I remember her catching me when I fell and curled up like a baby in the hospital, in the waiting area, hearing the words I dreaded the most. I remember her crawling into my bed some nights, the bed I shared with my husband, in the middle of the night to hold me and console me through my tears. Through my fears of the long nights without my partner next to me and this new unknown. I remember when I moved back out on my own and started again, how scared I was at night to live alone. The countless nights I would call her and she would talk to me and pray for me, helping me to sleep. I remember her telling me how worried she was for me in the moments I said I didn’t care, the moments I vocalized I wanted to go with him. I remember asking and almost pleading with her to answer me, why, I couldn’t go with him, why was I still here. How hard that must have been for my mother. Its hard for me to look back on it. I now know the pain that would bring me to hear and I hope I never hear those words come from daughters. I hope they don’t know the pain of some of scars I wear. I think about how many times, she down on her knees praying for me. Countless times. So many, too many to even count and she still continues to be faithful.

The theme lately for me is more time. I truly see how fast it is moving and I just for a moment want to stand still, to stop the clock and just sit. Her and I no distractions, just us with no where to go and no cluttered thoughts in the back of our minds of our to do lists. Its funny how we run to get to where we are and then we look back and wish we had stayed a little longer where we were. That makes me laugh too. This year, is a year of carving those important moments out, finding them more and reveling in them.

My mom is in the hospital tonight and I pray for great outcomes and healing. I hope for answers, because most of the time we don’t get them. She was there last week to and released with no more information than when she went in. She always looks healthy, beautiful. She still carries her sweet smile through it, but she feels tired. She gets ill often and she feels not her self. I don’t question why really because of the laundry list of illnesses she lives with. She has lupus, she has fibromyalgia, she has had thyroid cancer having her thyroid removed, she has hip troubles and so many other things. I always say geez mom, take it easy on yourself, would you? She goes to more doctors appointments than anyone I know and it hurts my heart. Her biggest worry, is to not worry me and my sisters. So silly, yet so sweet. She sees a naturalist on top of some good doctors and over the past year she has been better, but recently she’s not felt good. It was so nice for that time that she felt good, so I am hoping that will be restored.  Please keep her in your prayers.

See, my mom I could go on and on for days about, thats just how special she is to me and its something I hope she always knows. She’s my angel here on earth and I already have one in heaven. She is the one person who’s been by my side through every dark day and every celebrated day of my life. I want her healed and beside me holding my hand through what’s next.

Our family is very close and so its no surprise when we tell each other we love one another. Tonight she said, “I want you to know how much you mean to me, and how much I love the girls”, her granddaughters. Important words that make you so thankful to hear, even though you already know it. Thankful for this kind of love, but words that ring different at times when they are said. Tears started streaming down my face, as we hung up the phone, because I understand her fears. They are my fears to. We will remain optimists, though. Some may say, oh she will be ok, and hopefully she will. We take for granted moments and people in our life because time keeps moving and we keep being pulled into a myriad of directions and obligations. For me knowing, how life can change in a second, in a millisecond, makes me see things so very differently. My grandmother passed very young, so my mom worries, and with her health history, we all worry.

I said oh mom, I know, I love you too so very much. She says, “I prayed that god would not take me for a long time, so our family will not be broken up the way mine was when my mother died so young.” I couldn’t really even think, after that.  Then, I changed the subject saying mom, you are going to be old and I will promise to wipe your butt someday and take care of you, because she knows the real meaning of that statement. See, when I was younger, I told her I would never do that and so we both laughed hard. I told her I would put her in a retirement facility where they could take care of that part for her. She remembered and so, with a older and more grown outlook on life, I would gladly take care of my mom, until the end of time. We all have our day, but I will wish for that, because I just selfishly want her here with me, always. I would even pluck her granny chin hairs and paint her toenails and we can laugh and cry together over the joys and the trials we have gotten through by being each others support.

So that brings me to these lyrics that I just love, “My fears are safe here, held in your hands. When I am broken, you put me back together again.”

I’m glad for the love, friendship and closeness we have. I’m thankful for you mom and I appreciate you fully. Sleep tight. xoxoxoxo

Tell the ones you love, what they mean to you, over and over and over again.

Continue Reading

My Rose Colored Glasses Disappeared

image

I will never see through rose colored glasses after going through the loss and life trials that I have. There have been moments I have woken up and thought how did I get here, how is time passing so quickly. Those moments help me stop, reflect and realize that through my own strength, determination and want to live, I made it to where I am at. I had to make that decision for myself, no one could do it for me. It certainly helped having the support of my family and friends and clinging to my faith. Having faith was very hard and I lost it along the way, but I’m glad it didn’t lose me.

This life is hard, but it’s so worth it! That’s all I can tell you at this point in my widowhood journey. It took a lot to get here and it takes a lot to stay here. Once you find your will, your strength and your hope again, you find yourself. You will continue to get to know yourself and piece by piece you heart will become close to whole. Take the chance, you are worth it!

 

Continue Reading

It Was Written

image

Looking back on the past ten years and how fast it has gone by, I have a grateful heart. I understand what life means and I am still learning. I’m thankful for what was written in the sand for the life I shared with John and I’m thankful for what was written in the sand waiting for me after loss. I’m blessed for everyone in my life that helped me along the way. Live your life so fully through the seasons of it. Feel through the pain and don’t hold yourself back for fear of the hurt that may be ahead, because you will be missing out. Make an impact in your life each day.

Continue Reading

The Decision Is Ours

image

It may take years to get to the point where the bad days don’t leave us feeling defeated. Just know, one day you may be ready to open your mind to those bad days and how they may positively define you through your walk in widowhood or any bad circumstance. It’s a journey, not a marathon!

Continue Reading

Rainbows All Around Me

image

 

I saw that there was an amazing rainbow in Chicago yesterday. I’ve taken so many snaps of rainbows through my journey. This one in Chicago is amazing..but mine have been more amazing in my opinion along my journey and that’s because they were meant for me.

A rainbow is a sign of hope and peace and they certainly do bring those feelings for me.

My husband was an organ donor. He and our families chose to give the ultimate gift to five others waiting for their miracle. The night before my husbands organs were to be taken, there was a beautiful storm. He was a storm chaser, so that is why I call it a beautiful storm. The heavens were rolling. The thunder and lighting were loud and amazing..though nothing at the time was amazing. I remember thinking, this storm is for him! He would have had me in the truck, chasing the heart of it. After the storm was the most amazing rainbow. I wish I had a picture.

The next day was the worst day of my life. I woke up at my best friends house, because I could not sleep alone in our bed. I can’t explain the pain of knowing he was gone, of waking up with such a heaviness in my heart, thinking of him on that operating table knowing his organs were being prepared for someone else, knowing this was real and he was gone. My heart had left my body at that time.

I went home and took my first shower and dressed myself. I looked in the mirror and I truly couldn’t see myself, I looked so different. It’s crazy what you remember, but it’s so vivid for me those days..I know down to my shoes what I wore that day. I can see myself, which is hard to see. I was so broken. I drove to the airport. The jets were flying into the DeKalb airport and our families could come. Gift of Hope was so amazing and compassionate to us. I remember standing on the side of the runway, unbelieving. Looking at my life and thinking how can this be happening. Coolers, there were coolers with my husbands heart, lungs, kidneys. Regular coolers. There were two jets with life flight nurses and pilots. Amazing and again compassionate people. The pilot autographed a photo, which I have tucked away, not sure if it’s a memento I want to look back at, but I have it still. In between those jets though was a perfect rainbow. A rainbow that in such a hard time had me believe he sent it for me, for our families. Telling us I’m ok, be ok.

Even writing this I have tears flowing. Life is hard…so hard..but what’s so awesome about it is knowing true and real love…feeling so much that it, makes you feel. I wouldn’t trade my life for one second. As hard as saying goodbye was, it was equally hard to start again..but i did and not without struggle, or continued struggles. Life is just that and we should not waste it.

Grabbing that cooler handle that had Johns heart in it was something I will never forget. I released my husbands heart to the care of that jet and nurses to take to that family waiting so desperately on the other end. I cannot tell you how hard that was, even though I did feel for them and think of them and the anticipation and hope they were feeling in that moment. It gave me peace in a way that he helped so many live, though I had no real peace since he was not with me, or us.

I can say I am so very thankful. What we had was real and true even if it was taken too soon. I’m proud of him and us. I think he would be very happy for me and how I have chosen to honor him and myself by living. I’m thankful for how he taught me to love and live so openly. I never imagined being his widow. I’m truly thankful for my second hubby and where we are at now, how much he supports and loves me through my journey and how blessed we are with our girls. I never have to hide who I am, nor would I for anyone and that feels good. #widow #widowhood #awidowsworld #lovedeeply #lovetruly #giftofhope

Continue Reading

Have Courage

image

Courage! Having the courage to step out and take action can be so hard sometimes. Truly though, the decision leading up to you actually taking that first step is the hardest, isn’t it?

Don’t we all agonize over just that part.

Once we take the leap, doesn’t everything have a way of working it self out? Maybe not the way we expected, but somehow it could lead to something better than we could have hoped for. That is at least what I have experienced.

Obstacles will always be in front of us, but I guess for me, the having no regrets part is the biggest thing. If you don’t follow your heart, I will ask you this, how can you truly be whole?

If you are struggling with something today, I would say, trust in yourself! Listen to your heart and where it is leading you. Don’t make a decision impulsively or hastily (I know this from experience), think things through, but not to the point you drive yourself or others around you mad (I know this from experience also haha) :). If you are constantly worrying or doubting what’s ahead, give it up to god and start praying for the signs to lead you to your whats next.

Comment below #iwillhavecourage if you are going to commit to figuring out your next step!

Pictured are my daughters who teach me what courage means everyday. If I had not had the courage to start again, I would not know the amazing love and joy they would add to my life. I commit to raising these two to be strong woman who are confident in themselves and go after their dreams. #lovinglife #addelise #widow #courage #awidowsworld #rebuilding #livingthroughloss

Continue Reading

Positive Encounters

image
Every encounter in life matters. Every encounter leaves us with a chance to reflect looking at where we have been, where we are now and where we want to be!
I have had several encounters over the last couple weeks that really allowed me to stop and look back at my former broken self and see where I am today. The biggest thing I have seen lately is how so many things are being revealed to me. It is because I have opened my heart, my mind and I have been praying more directly.
First Reveal
When my my first husband John passed away, I was working for a wonderful company. They were sensitive, supportive, and understanding of the tragedy I had gone through. The week following Johns passing, we were supposed to be on a trip to Vail, Colorado with everyone. A trip that I had planned and John and I were very excited about. Needless to say, we did not get to go on that trip and all of our plans we had would never happen. I went back to work a week and a half later, because I had to financially. Though it was hard, it helped focus my mind on something that I knew, my job. I had so many moments I would be crying in my office. I felt broken and afraid of what my future was going to be. I was lost without my partner and best friend. I felt bad for my family, friends and co-workers who had to see me that way, even though I knew they understood. I eventually made the hard decision to leave and take time off to find me, the new me. I had sold our lot that we were going to build on and so I had a little money to take me through a few months time while I waitressed, until I figured things out. I closed a chapter that I needed to close at that time to start writing a new one. It was the right decision for me.
Recently, my old co-workers reached out to catch up.  As I was walking into the building emotions started flooding over me. I continued through the lobby and saw my old office. As I waited for some of them to greet me, I had a moment that made me stand still and stare into the office window. I could see my former self, sitting there so frail, beyond devastated and lost. I was the most lifeless version of myself at that point in time. So uncertain of what my life would be.  I immediately turned back to where I am now.  Feelings of thanks and pride washed over me. If anyone had told me I would get through it back then and have the life I have now, I truly would not have believed it. It was not without struggles, I struggle to this day. Looking at myself today, I was standing in that same spot but now I was a strong, confident woman. I was remarried, had two beautiful daughters and I had built an amazing career. I saw someone who didn’t take no for an answer and it showed in many areas of my life. I now carried a smile and an evident love for life. There will always be an underlying sadness behind my smile, but I am happy in my heart. Happiness is knowing John would be happy for me too.
Message: Remember to take care of yourself. Listen to what you need and not what others think you need.  Take time for your heart to heal. It will take years and years. Parts of my heart are healing still. It won’t heal completely and your hurt will always be there, but listen to yourself and what you need to move forward. Allow yourself the chance to at some point in time stop and look back with pride for how far you have come. 
Second Reveal
On July 3rd, we hosted a Fourth of July celebration at our home. I was running all week making sure the plans and preparation would come together, but also just telling myself, “Hey, these are your friends and family, just relax and enjoy that everyone will be getting together.” I was headed to the grocery store to pick up the buns and potato salad the morning of, you know the last minute fixings. I came to the ketchup isle with the pickles and then it happened! A man around my age late 30’s, maybe early 40’s says, “Is your name Tanya?”
I stop and take a look at him, not recognizing him and I say, “Yes” He then says his name, and continues, “I know you.” I clearly don’t know this man from recollection, so I am visibly feeling bad because I do usually remember people, so I say, “You do?”
The next line brought me to instant tears, “I knew your husband, John, I was friends with him and also know your dad.” I quickly apologize for my tears which maybe even were sobs….yes sobs. See, even ten years later, unprepared for running into someone, I did not have my guard up. I was not prepared. I immediately felt bad and said, “I am so sorry, I do this sometimes, I am OK.” His family was staring in shock and I quickly recognized that everyone was looking at me, thinking why is this woman crying in the ketchup and pickle isle. I pull myself together and hear him say, “Be blessed.” This encounter completely shook me. I always have outwardly been strong and wore my smile. I broke down. I had let myself break down and show my true feelings, the sadness of losing John, it will always be there. Most people that know me, will say that I am very open and almost transparent when it comes to how I am feeling. This is true, but I have held a lock on my heart, ever since John passed away. I locked up space, that I let no one see, because it is hard. I have been opening up this space, because I’m ready to. Sharing has been beyond amazing for me, I always wanted to do this, but I had to be ready. The timeline is mine and no one else’s.
After, I left the store I instantly wished I would have been able in that moment to have a conversation with this man, to let him know that even though I showed my tears, my sobs…I am good. I am good within my self, I am good within my soul and I am so proud of the life I have built and continue to build.  A life that my first husband would be proud of. I wish I had had the chance to brag on my second husband and how that despite trials we have faced in our marriage, we are in love and good. That I feel John picked him for me because they have so many similarities, yet are each very different people.  I wish I would have showed him a picture of my two amazing daughters. I didn’t though, because I allowed myself to break down and it was exactly what I needed to do, to see that I am good. I have continued to peel back the layers of my pain, revealing a trueness to myself and an outlook that is life focused. I hope that maybe I will perhaps have the chance again so I can share this part of my story.
Coming out of that experience, it helped and touched my heart.
Message: I remember when I used to say I was OK, because it was so much easier than explaining that I really was not. When I started crying, and I said, “I am OK,” I really meant it this time. I will always cry, sometimes sob over the loss of my first husband and best friend, but I have stopped hiding behind my pain. I am taking care of me, opening my heart, sharing who I am. I have learned that being vulnerable and real is OK. More people need to see that in this world, more people need to be shown it is ok to move past your grief and that life is a gift that none of us should waste or throw away. 
Continue Reading

Start Writing Your Story Again

Have you stopped writing your story? Grab that pen and paper and write down some goals, some aspirations. Put them up somewhere visible in your home. Believe you can reach them. Go after them, take the chance and begin again today. The hardest step is the first one, but each one after comes a little easier!

 

image

Continue Reading